


Lying to Myself.

by Ju_ne



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-10-13 10:19:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17486324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ju_ne/pseuds/Ju_ne
Summary: Siyeon is a high schooler who is fighting anxiety and struggling to understand why she feels different... She feels lost, until she meets Bora, who will help her learning more about herself.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first time writing a fiction, I hope you will like it! I'm just having fun and discovering writing now, so I don't pretend to write something amazing, I just hope you can rely to my writing and maybe enjoy reading it ^^  
> Don't hesitate to send me some feedback to help me improve! Thank you so much!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah and english is not my first language so please understand this may have a few mistakes! thank you!

Siyeon woke up in the middle of the night, again. She had that dream, again. She tried to close her eyes and relax her tensed muscles, but the images of her dream were flashing in front of her eyes, like a roll of film. After understanding that it wouldn’t calm down, she got up and went to the bathroom to freshen up, hoping cold water would force her heart to slow down.

She opened the light and saw her reflection in the mirror  
“- Not looking good tonight again sis’…” She said to herself with a sigh. “And you, calm down!” she added, pointing a finger at her heart.  
After lying down again, she stared at the ceiling, trying to understand the meaning of her dream. Why did she dreamt about kissing a girl again… She knew she hasn’t met a boy she was really interested in yet, but still, kissing a girl was really too crazy… No, no, no, there’s no way it was that. No way.

The following morning, Siyeon was still thinking about her dream, but was looking forward to meet her friends at school, especially Handong.  
Handong was her classmate, the first time Siyeon saw her, her only thought was “that girl is gorgeous, I have to be friend with her, I need to!”. Handong was part of the students following dance class in their high school, everyone saw them as the cool kids, some of them knew that and act cold with classmates they thought unworthy. But Handong and her friends, Gahyeon and Yoobin, were different, they were nice with everyone. Lucky for Siyeon, after a few days of chatting with them, they became good friends and spend all their time together.

“- Hey Siyeooon!” Yelled Handong from the other side of the street. Siyeon turn around and felt her heart beat faster. She felt so happy to be able to call that beautiful and talented girl her friend.  
“- Dooongie, good morning!” she replied, her heart still protesting in her chest.  
“- How are you doing today? Slept well?”  
“- good, I slept like a baby! ” Siyeon knew she was lying, but she just didn’t want to think about that dream anymore.

They walked to school together, talking about many things. Siyeon was really not good at talking about her feelings, she always felt scared and blocked when it came to that and she knew this was the cause of her anxiety, but she was able to forgot about everything when she was with Handong.

She was going to deal with her anxiety and crises later, for now, she just wanted to enjoy her time with the Handong.  
“- I can’t wait to ask Yoobin about Saturday’s party, it seems a lot of interesting thing happened…” said Handong with an excited ton in her voice.  
“Interesting thing? Like what?” asked Siyeon naively.  
“-Like some unexpected make out session!”  
“Oh, this… Who?” Siyeon tried to seem interested but she couldn’t care less, boys were totally uninteresting for her. It wasn’t totally her fault, all the boys she met until now were idiots! She’ll probably met the right one later, for now, she didn’t care.  
“I’ve heard Jiwoo from our class had a “close meeting” with that cute boy from class A, and Yeri too! Our cute and shy Yeri!”  
“Really? Aaaah that is surprising!” Siyeon replied, who she was actually fighting the pinch in her heart after hearing Handong called that boy cute…  
“ _what’s wrong with me…._ ” That thought was lingering in Siyeon’s brain most of the time… Why was she so possessive of her friend…? She brushed off the thought and continued her discussion with Handong until they reach the classroom. It was time to focus on class, even if those thoughts and her persistent anxiety didn’t help her with that.

Siyeon was tired. Tired to not understand her own behavior, and to not find the reason of her stress. She knew there was something different about her since she was younger, but she couldn’t figure it out yet… She had this feeling that the answer was in front of her eyes, but she still couldn’t find it.  
Or maybe she didn’t want to.

 

Another morning, another day at school. Siyeon was walking alone on the street, on her way to school. She liked to walk alone, she could walk at a fast pace, it was relaxing for her to be active and she couldn’t stand people who were walking slowly. Being alone wasn’t a problem for her, the streets were almost empty on this cold and early morning and Siyeon was actually enjoying this calm atmosphere. However, when she spotted her friend Yoohyeon a few meters in front of her, she decided to run to catch up with her, she hadn’t chatted with her for a long time.  
Yoohyeon was a tall and quite eccentric girl, Siyeon knew her since elementary school and they’ve always been good friends. Yoohyeon has always been true to herself and blunt with other people and Siyeon had always admired her for that, because herself was always hiding a lot of things to other people.

“-Yoo!” Siyeon called,  
“Oh, Siyeon, hello cutie!” replied Yoohyeon, being her usual confident self.  
“- How have you been these days, we haven’t meet in a long time!” the two girls weren’t in the same class so Siyeon couldn’t chat with her often.  
“-I’m good, I’m always good you know!”  
“-Ah you’re always so positive, I envy you…”  
“-Well, I have a good reason to be, I have a girlfriend now! And she is gorgeous! I feel so lucky!” Yoohyeon said that with a big smile on her face.  
Siyeon was surprised. Not surprised that the mischievous girl was in a relationship with another girl, she was surprised that it seems so easy for her to talk about it, that she made it sounds so natural.  
“-A girl…girlfriend?” Siyeon asked, her thoughts racing…  
“-Yeah! A girl! Her name’s Minji but she isn’t in our high school…. Aaah well love is love right, I just want to enjoy beauty in this world, so I discovered that I can fall in love with anyone, whatever their gender!” Yoohyeon said, an excited ton in her voice!  
“-That’s true…. I- I’m- You-…. You’re right…” Siyeon’s anxiety was rising, she could feel her face getting warmer and probably redder.  
“-Siiiii, why are you blushing, are you shy? Oh no, I know! Do you have a crush on a girl too? You never talk to me about this!” Yoohyeon teased the smaller girl,  
“-A WHAT, SHUT UP YOO NO, NO WAY!” -breathe Siyeon, calm down- “I’m… I don’t know okay I don’t like to talk about that.”  
“-Alright alright, take your time then, you can always come chat with me you know!” Yoohyeon gave her her best smile, and Siyeon finally calmed down a little.

  
“ _Do you have a crush on a girl too?_ ” What Yoohyeon told Siyeon earlier was the center of Siyeon’s thoughts for the rest of the day, every time she saw Handong, that thought came back stronger. Every time, Siyeon did her best to repress it.

 

After school, Siyeon’s dad picked her up and they went home together. Siyeon was sitting in the car, tired after that long day of studying and managing her emotions.  
“- Si, you remember we’re traveling after your exams, right?” Her dad asked, a smile on his face after realizing that Siyeon was lost on her thoughts.  
“-Ah, yeah yeah of course how could I forget!”  
“- My friend’s daughter will join us, you won’t be the only young one there, it’s great, right?!” He seemed really happy to announce her that,  
“-Oh. Okay, yes it’s great!” Siyeon wasn’t so excited about it, being stuck for two weeks with someone she didn’t know seemed a little scary. “I just hope I’ll get along well with her.”  
“-I’m sure you will, you get along well with everyone and I remember Bora is really nice too.”  
“-Bora?”  
“Yes, her name is Bora, she’s a little older than you. Don’t worry, it’ll be a beautiful trip, everything will be okay!”  
“You’re right, I’m really looking forward to it.” Replied Siyeon, a little reassured thanks to her dad’s words.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is actually written from my own experience... it looks crazy but yeah it's actually possible to be that clueless and to block yourself from your own feelings for such a long time, even when it seems so obvious...   
> I hope you enjoy this story, thank you for reading it!

Siyeon lied down in her bed late in the night, after studying a few hours that evening. It was really hard for her to focus on her studies this year, she often felt lost in her life, in her own skin, wondering who she was, why she was here, and especially, why did she felt so different and distant from people around her?

She has friends and get along well with almost everyone, but opening up and talking about her deep feelings was always really complicated. Every time she had tried to talk, she had felt anxiety rushing through her body, taking control of her mind, telling her “what if they judge you? What if they mock you?”: this would definitely shut her mouth and bring tears to her eyes.

This could be quite traumatic, many times she wanted to tell someone how she felt, but couldn’t. She had to found another way to let those feelings go, she would be writing a letter to no one, putting on the paper the words and emotions she couldn’t say. When the letter was done, she never read it but would destroy it directly, tearing it up violently, letting her anger and frustration out in this gesture.

Siyeon couldn’t sleep, and her thoughts brought her back to Handong, her lovely face’s image was printed in Siyeon’s mind so strongly, she felt like her friend was still standing in front of her, her smile radiating light inside her room.

Siyeon couldn’t control the smile building up on her face, and she felt her heartbeat increase once again. She hugged her pillow, suddenly feeling totally awake, when the lovely face in her mind changed to Yoohyeon’s face saying once again “ _Do you have a crush on a girl too?_ ”. The wave of happiness she just experienced disappeared suddenly, pushing away by a familiar but uncomfortable feeling: doubt. Fear.

She tried to force herself to think about this possibility because she had avoided this question for a long time now… Does she really like girls…? Does she like Handong…? Does she want to ki- No, no, impossible, this was impossible. She just needed to meet the right guy. She had to be patient and somehow, it’ll be okay, her anxiety didn’t help her but for sure she’ll end up finding her way and meet a guy she feels close to.

“Time to sleep sis’ you're hurting yourself…” After giving herself that command, Siyeon finally fell asleep, Morpheus pulling her into his world, but the trip was chaotic and full of nervous dreams once again. Siyeon was unfortunately used to it, this was now her nightly routine, and she let herself slip into those dreams once again.

 

The end of the semester arrived and Siyeon worked hard to pass her exams and fortunately, she succeeded, not brilliantly but better than expected. High school was finally over and she could now focus on the future. Next year, she wouldn’t be able to meet Handong and her other friends anymore because they were going to different universities.

Next year she will meet new people and hopefully, with that new turn in her life, she would be able to understand herself better and finally beat her anxiety.

Siyeon’s classmates decided to throw a party to celebrate their success, they booked a special karaoke room to spend time together one last time.

Siyeon usually didn’t like parties, she liked singing but she preferred to be with a few friends only. Still, she wanted to spend as much time as possible with Handong before saying goodbye.

Since they lived close to each other, Siyeon and Handong decided to meet early and to go to the party’s place together and to join Gahyeon, Yoobin and the rest of their classmates there.

When she saw her, Handong’s face lightened up with a wonderful smile and Siyeon felt her heart clenching on her chest. Her heart definitely became crazy when Handong hugged Siyeon, the warmth of her skin, the smell of her perfume, the softness of her hair…

Siyeon realized that she was craving for all of these, she wished she could stay like that and fall asleep in her friend’s arms. Unfortunately, Handong broke the hug, she linked arms with Siyeon and together, they walked to the karaoke’s place.

“-It’s going to be fuuun tonight!!! I’m so happy we get to meet one last time like this.” Handong sounded really happy, that happiness looked so beautiful on her and it was difficult for Siyeon to focus on her friend’s words because she was captivated by her beauty, electrified by the contact of her arm on hers.

“-Yeah, it’s amazing that everyone is able to come!” replied Siyeon, but her mind was focused on something else _-Relax Siyeon, friends link arms all the time, you shouldn’t feel this way.-_

“-I’m going to miss you next year, you and everyone! It wasn’t easy this year but we had fun all together.”

“- I’m going to miss you too, hopefully we can still meet sometimes and during holidays!” Siyeon said, she really had mixed feeling about next year, she didn’t want to leave Handong but at the same time, high school was suffocating her and she was looking forward to take a new start.

But tonight was not the moment to overthink about the uncertain future, tonight, she wanted to have fun!

They finally reached the karaoke, everyone was already there, chatting in the street and ready to enter the building. When their classmates spotted them, they all greeted them, everyone seem so cheerful tonight, and ready to spend a good time!

 The two girls parted ways to chat with their other friends, even though Siyeon didn’t want to, she knew she would be able to go back to Handong later.

They enter the huge room and take place inside, Siyeon entered last and spotted Handong sitting with Gahyeon and Yoobin at her left, and Hoon at her right. Hoon was a boy from their class, the kind of boy that Siyeon couldn’t stand… He was actually nice and funny but his behavior was too boyish, he was always so confident about his masculinity and showing-off because he knew he was popular among girls. No one seemed to be bothered by that but Siyeon felt her heart drop in her stomach when she saw him sitting next to Handong, that it was him who was murmuring something in her ear and making her smile shyly… Him and not Siyeon.

Siyeon sat next to Yoobin but couldn’t believe it, her hope of spending a nice evening with Handong and the girls suddenly vanished, she was feeling confused once again. She just wanted to spend time with her friend, but that boy was ruining everything.

She tried to calm down and reason herself with, Handong was having fun and obviously she didn’t mind to have Hoon sitting that close to her, she had to let her enjoy that moment because obviously, it’s what she wanted, Hoon was a nice guy, he wasn’t going too far and Handong was replying positively to his flirting. It was hard for Siyeon, but she couldn’t say anything.

She decided to ignore them, she sang a few songs and everyone cheered loudly for her, she has always liked singing and was really good at it. Music was another good way for her to relax, to escape in another world where she didn’t have any trouble. When she was singing, she didn’t have to hide anything, she didn’t have to hold up feelings, she could let everything out in songs and that was relieving, unleashing the storm of frustration sleeping in her chest. It was actually tiring but she needed it, the way she needed to wrote those letters to let some words out.

The students were all having fun and Siyeon could join them too, finally forgetting about her mixed feelings thanks to Yoobin who seem to realize she was feeling down and made her eat a few things and told her some stupid jokes to lighten up her mood.

Yoobin was always nice and understanding, she never asked what’s wrong even if she knew that Siyeon was facing an inner crisis, but was still doing her best to cheer her up.

The party passed by different stages, a crazy one when boys decided to sing old romantic songs, a sad one when Gahyeon sang a break up song, her voice mesmerizing everyone by its beauty and power and the emotions that it holds, making everyone sad during a few minutes.

And finally, they sang a last song all together, it was chaotic but really fun to sing like that, a great memory they’ll all share and bring in the future.

 

When Siyeon finally reached home after saying goodbye – She gave Handong a hug and told her they would meet soon – she was totally exhausted, because of all this singing of course, but also because of her anger and mixed feelings after seeing Handong flirt with Hoon during almost the whole evening. She said goodbye to her friend quickly because she actually wanted to avoid Handong, she wasn’t feeling good already and just wanted to be alone.

Before realizing what was really happening to her, Siyeon felt tears rolling down her cheeks, she was feeling so frustrated about herself, about all those feelings she didn’t want to accept, she didn’t want to have, she didn’t want to deal with… She finally let go and let herself drown in those tears, letting anxiety rise, letting darkness swallow her.

She sat down against the wall, holding her legs against her chest, she was suffocating and needed support, she needed to feel that something was holding her back here or she would fall in the Unknown, that scary place where she had to face her feelings, where she had to be strong and talk about it with people around her… It was useless anyway, people wouldn’t get her, wouldn’t accept her… She didn’t want all of that… Why wasn’t she like her friends… Why did she have those useless feelings, those useless and harmful thoughts… She just wanted for those to go away, to end…

After several minutes of true panic, she finally felt her thoughts slow down, she took that opportunity to rise her head and focus on her breathing… - _inhale… exhale…_ \- she tried to add a positive thought at each breath she let out - _Take your time… You’re going to be okay… You’re strong… You’re smart… You can do it… You will find your happiness too…-_

You will find your happiness.

You will find your own happiness.

 Siyeon stand up, lie down on her bed and did her best to keep that mind until she finally fell asleep. That night, she had a few disturbing dreams again, but they seem fader than usual. When she opened her eyes, she was determined to fight the future at her full strength, she was ready to fight for that happiness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I'm not fully satisfied but once again this is my first time writing so for now I let my ideas out, it's hard for me to rewrite parts I don't like... So I did my best and I'm going to work on that in the future! Thanks for reading again!

Holidays started and Siyeon used that free time to spend time with her family and to reflect on what happened after the party. She finally understood that she cared about Handong more than Handong cared about her, she certainly cared too much and it was dangerous for her.

Handong liked Siyeon for sure, but not in the same way, not with the same intensity. And now, Siyeon understood that it was not right so she decided to take some distance for a while, to focus on something else and clear her ideas. The upcoming trip with her family was the perfect occasion, and she would meet someone new there, she was looking forward to it, a lot of new experiences were waiting for her.

Siyeon was getting ready for the trip, counting the days and thinking about that girl she was about to meet. She was excited to meet her and scared at the same time. Since they were the two young ones of their group, her dad told her that they would be together in the hotel rooms, because they booked bedrooms for two everywhere. Every night, she’ll have to spend time and sleep with that stranger. What if she can’t stand her?

The day of the departure finally arrived, and Siyeon was feeling great, she was focused on this trip and nothing else mattered right now, she wasn’t feeling anxious thanks to this and it was relieving for her. She could finally breathe and felt peaceful.

_She didn’t know that her life was about to change._

When they reached the airport, the sun was about to rise. Siyeon looked at the color in the sky changing, the dark blue became lighter and an orange light was spreading, like a drop of bright paint dispersing in a shadowy water. Those moments were all unique and enjoyable for Siyeon, she liked to see the colors change, to feel the air warm up, to see life waking up and welcoming a new day. She felt like she was being born again with the sun.  

Siyeon’s parents called her out of her admiration of the nature’s daily show, asking her to follow them inside. Siyeon took a last glance and the sunrise thinking “ _Today is a good day.”_

She followed them and inside, they met her dad’s friend’s family. Siyeon started to greet respectfully everyone, finishing by Bora. Finally, she was meeting the girl she had been thinking about the past few weeks.

“-Good morning.” said Siyeon, talking formally to the older girl, and lowering her eyes. She felt shy and a little intimated by Bora.

“- Hello! Siyeon, right? Let’s drop the formality directly, we’re almost the same age anyway. Call me just Bora, alright?” Bora said, smiling at Siyeon. Her smile was kind and reassuring.

“- Very well.” Replied Siyeon, formally once again... “- I mean, okay!” Siyeon was taken aback by Bora’s personality, she seemed to be a confident and straight-forward girl. Her total opposite.

Bora smiled at her again, Siyeon couldn’t help but notice that she was a really pretty girl, she wasn’t wearing any make up and her face was naturally stunning.  _-Here I am staring at a beautiful girl again-_ Siyeon thought, while she felt her ears becoming warmer. She quickly looked away, and thanked everyone for starting moving, so she didn’t have to look at Bora again and humiliate herself.

After passing through the checking-in of their luggage, and the security check, they sat in the waiting area, their plane leaving an hour later only. Bora came sit next to Siyeon and started a casual chat with her.

“- So Siyeon, you just finished high school, right?” she asked, still smiling. It seems that this woman was always smiling, it was agreeable and soothing.

“- Ah yes.” Siyeon blushed once again,

“- Are you shy? You don’t have to be shy with me, I won’t judge you or anything don’t worry.”

Siyeon hold her breath and look at Bora straight in the eyes. Siyeon felt the overflowing kindness in her look. How did that girl that she just met already understood that what was Siyeon the most afraid of, was being judged for her actions, for who she was? Maybe she just randomly said that, but it still helped Siyeon to relax.

“- You’re right, I’m sorry, I’m easily anxious, especially with people I just met.”

“- Okay, take your time, we’ll be together during two weeks anyway, we’ll get to know each other one way or another!”

On the plane, the two girls had to sit together once again. The plane was flying by night so they slept through most of it, but when they were awake, they had an enjoyable casual chat, about high school, about their friends, about Bora’s university. Siyeon was really curious about that since it was a whole new world for her, she asked the older girl a lot of detailed questions and the replies were either funny or worrying. But the way Bora pictured it made Siyeon really look forward to university.

The next morning, they had reached their destination, and after a first discovering day in the city, they arrived in their hotel. They had a dinner all together and everyone went back to their room.

Bora and Siyeon were sharing a room and when they opened the door, they realized it was a double bed and not two beds. It didn’t really matter to Siyeon, after that first day in her company, she felt comfortable with Bora. Bora didn’t flinch either, but after unpacking her stuff, she suddenly looked at Siyeon and told her bluntly:

“- Siyeon I have something to tell you, and I hope it won’t bother you because I won’t change who I am anyway: I am a lesbian. I know some people can’t accept it yet but this is just who I am, this life is mine and I live it my way. I know I’m not doing anything wrong, I was born this way and I love myself this way. I just wanted to be honest with you.”

Siyeon didn’t know what to say. Not because of what Bora said, but the way she said it. She sounded so confident, so proud of who she was. That girl was ready to fight to defend herself, to just be herself, whatever she would have to face. Siyeon was admirative and envious. What Bora just showed to her was actually really moving for Siyeon and at that moment, she understood something. She wasn’t totally sure yet, but she was sure that she was already happy and grateful that she could met Bora.

“- Of course, don’t worry I’m fine with that, no problem at all!”

“- Oh great! Wow I hesitated before telling you, it’s who I am and I don’t want to have to hide with you…”

“- Don’t hide anything please…. Actually I’m- I’m… curious about that, maybe I’ll ask you a few questions when I’m ready…. If that’s okay with you?” Siyeon asked, she felt that a new door was opening in front her.

“No problem, ask me whatever you want, I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.”

“- Thank you, Bora! Ok but first shower, and then sleep, I’m so tired I could fall asleep directly!”

Siyeon said, her whole body screaming for some rest. Although, her mind was calm and reassured. That door finally opened and she was going to pass through it this time. She had to stop ignoring it.


	4. Chapter 4

Bora and Siyeon didn’t left each other’s sides anymore, they became quickly close. During the day, they would have fun together and enjoying their trip to the fullest. During the evening, when it was just the two of them, Bora told Siyeon many stories about her own experience of homosexuality: how she understood that she liked girl at a very young age, how she started dating girls, how it was to be open about her homosexuality in their society… That night, Siyeon asked her about coming out:

“- Does your parents know that you’re gay?”

“-Yes….” Bora sighed “I told them two years ago… I knew they wouldn’t accept it but, I don’t know, I couldn’t stand lying to them, so I told them anyway.”

“-Oh… What happened exactly?” Siyeon asked with a soft voice, she didn’t want to push Bora to talk but she wanted to know more about it.

“- Well, I was sitting on the sofa, really anxious, I already had tears in my eyes… I told them I had something important to tell them, I was shaking like a leaf and I could feel they were worried too… I just took a deep breath and let it out, I almost yelled “I’m gay!” I think they guessed already because they didn’t seem really shocked… just… disappointed. My mom just left the room without a word and my dad told me with his cold voice “Dad is not happy about that.” and he left too… I cried like an idiot on that stupid sofa… I guess I had a tiny hope that they would support me…. I was stupid.”

“- That’s harsh…” said Siyeon in a whisper “-I’m really sorry about it… But today you’re here with them, so it means they do love you, maybe with more time they’ll fully accept it?”

“- I’m not sure, my mom is still asking about me about _boyfriends_ …” replied Bora, rolling her eyes. “-But I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t have their support. It’s okay, I grew up and I can support myself now.”

“- Well, it’s true, I see that you are a strong person but still, it’s sad…” Siyeon replied, feeling emotions overwhelming her.

Bora noticed and get closer to her, taking her hand, she looked her right in the eyes and smile at her:

“- Eh, don’t worry about me, I’m okay! It’s going to be okay!” Bora said. Seeing that Siyeon kept her eyes down and still seemed anxious, she pulled her into a hug “I’m not lying, it’s difficult but I swear, it’s going to be okay.”

Siyeon couldn’t talk anymore, Bora’s words were hitting right where it hurts. _It’s going to be okay_ … It seems that Siyeon was waiting for those words, waiting for that support to finally be ready to accept who she was… Tears were now sliding slowly on her cheeks and her emotions were all over the place.

She understood. She couldn’t say it yet, but now, she knew she liked girls too. She was really scared of being rejected by her friends and family. Finally, she said it, finally she allowed herself to have this thought “ _I’m lesbian, I like girls._ ”.

She was scared but relieved at the same time to finally accept that. Those tears weren’t tears of sadness, they were the trace of all those feelings bottled up for so long that were finally released.

“- It’s going to be okay Siyeon-ah…” Bora said, still hugging her.

Siyeon didn’t know if Bora grasped what was really happening to Siyeon right now, and if she said those words to her because she understood the situation she was in, but her words were reassuring. Her presence, her warmth were comforting.

When Siyeon calmed down, Bora broke the hug and took her hand instead, she looked at her with a slightly worried look:

“- Are you okay? Do you feel better?”

“-I’m okay, I’m sorry for crying like that… It’s just… what you said switched something in my mind… All this time I knew I was different but I couldn’t figure out, ‘how different’, but now I understand, I just… I like girls too… I was so scared to accept it so I was hiding it to myself… this is crazy… All these words I don’t just say, to me or to people surrounding me, it was so stressful for me. Always lying, always hiding… But now, I’m done with that, I’m done lying to myself… Oh that was a shock for my poor brain but I feel better now, you’ve opened my mind for a different view and I’m so, so, thankful for this!”

Siyeon was still feeling affected and it was difficult to find the correct words to explain what was happening to her, but Bora was smiling at her:

“- I understand, you’re not alone in this you know, there’s a lot of gay people all around the world, and most of them will be happy to help you. You don’t have to face this on your own.”

“- Yes, I understand now… I didn’t even think about it before, I never had any problems with homosexuality but I just thought it didn’t concern me at all… I’m an idiot…”

“- You’re not!” Bora asserted firmly “I think we all pass by this phase: it’s scary to accept it so you try to reject this idea, until it gets too strong and too clear, you can’t reject it anymore.”

“- You’re right… I’m so happy I met you really… I was often sad because I never had any relationship experience… A guy asked me out last year and I just panicked, he was nice but the idea of going out with him was… terrifying… I just wanted to stay close to my friend, a girl of course… and when I saw her flirt with a guy, it broke my heart, but I still didn’t understand that I was gay I still can’t believe it…” Tears were falling once again on Siyeon’s cheeks.

“- It’s okay, we’re all different, everyone goes at their own rhythm, don’t rush yourself or think you’re late, that’s bullshit seriously… Take your time and wait to meet someone you trust to have your first experiences.” Bora’s words were once again really comforting. She patted Siyeon’s back, waiting for the younger girl to calm down.

After a few minutes, Siyeon could talk again:

“- You know, I never opened myself this way, it feels great, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest.”

“- I’m just glad I could help you.” Bora hugged the younger girl once again “And I will do my best to help you in the future too, okay? You’re not alone.”

“- Thanks again.” Siyeon said, grateful that she finally found that trust she was unconsciously seeking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes an other chapter... Did you realized that I used the lyrics of a famous song??? I loooove that song, you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7bIbVlIqEc 
> 
> Also, if you want to chat with me or give me some direct feedback, you can find me on twitter at @JDCSUA
> 
> Thanks again for reading my story!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while to update, I was busy with the comeback and lost a little my inspiration, but here we are! Only 1 or 2 chapters left now I think!

Siyeon’s sudden coming out brought the two girls even closer. Siyeon was really enjoying Bora’s presence and was finally able to open up about her worries. It wasn’t easy and she was taking it slow. Most of the time she was listening to Bora’s many stories with girls. She was having fun during this trip, but the moment she was enjoying the most was when the two girls were finally together, chatting for several hours before sleeping, in their hotel room or sometimes outside when they found a comfortable place.

That evening, they were lying down on the grass and talked while watching the stars: the starry sky was absolutely stunning, Siyeon had never see so many stars at once, the milky way was shining brightly and the young girl finally understood why it was called this way.

That night, Bora explained to Siyeon how she ended up in someone’s bed for the first time and how many parts were totally unexpected. After she finished, the two girls stayed silent a few minutes, just staring at the stars, then Siyeon talked again:

“- I’m scared.” Were the only words that could came out of her mouth at that moment.

“- Scared?” Bora replied. “About your first time?”

“- Yes… Actually, about my first… everything…! What if I do something wrong or am really bad at this? I don’t even know what to do exactly, I’m such a mess…” The younger girl sighed.

“- Eh there don’t worry about this! Of course, your first times won’t be good!” Bora laughed and took the other girl’s hand, relieved to see Siyeon smiling at her joke. “At the beginning it’s totally normal to be lost and not so good, you can read a few things online or I can give you a few tips but it’s only experience that will help you being confident about that and really enjoy all of this! The most important if you’re scared, it is to wait to do it with someone you can trust, someone who understands and respects you and who doesn’t rush you into anything.”

“- I hope I can meet someone like that.” Replied Siyeon with a sigh. She turned her head to look at Bora who was already staring at her. The two girls look into each other’s eyes for a while. Siyeon could see the stars reflection into Bora’s lively eyes, like little diamonds crimped on her iris.

Bora was truly a dazzling girl.

“- I’m sure you will,” Bora finally answered, “you’re smart, you’re funny and you’re super pretty...”  Bora finally turned her head and Siyeon saw that the older girl took a deep breath “And remember, first times will often be awkward or not the best, yes it can be exciting but you’ll enjoy yourself to fullest when you and your partner know each other a little more.”

Bora squeezed the younger girl’s hand and give her a comforting smile. She never failed to help her figuring out solutions to her worries and helping her in this foggy period that is self-discovery.

The girls get up to go back to the hotel room and Bora didn’t let go of Siyeon’s hand until they arrived close to the buildings, where it could be risky to see two girls holding hands. Siyeon wished she could have held that hand forever.

When Siyeon finally lied down and closed her eyes, she realized that the image of Bora’s sparkly eyes staring at her was still standing right in front of her. With that image in mind, she suddenly could feel again the sensation of the girl’s small hand into hers, the warmth of her skin and the softness of her thumb caressing Siyeon’s hand gently.

She had to open her eyes again to calm down, her heart was beating at an insane rhythm and her hand was getting hot, abnormally hot. Because they were staying in a small hotel that night again, the two girls were sleeping on the same bed once again. She became totally aware of the presence of the older girl’s body lying so close to her and hoped that she didn’t realized that something weird was happening to her at this moment.

Siyeon took a deep breath and understood why she was feeling this way. She had never been this close to someone before, never been so close physically with a friend and was actually craving it. She knew it was pretty common for some people but this was new to her.

But maybe there was something more… Was she just craving the physical contact? Was she just feeling grateful and admirative towards Bora? Or was she beginning to develop a serious crush on the older girl?

Right now, Siyeon just wanted to hold Bora’s hand and fall asleep like that, feeling her reassuring presence besides her. With the girl at her side, she felt like her worries weren’t so important and that she would able to overcome everything. For the first time in her life, she was able to be totally herself with someone, to let her mask down and it was so relieving.

Siyeon finally felt asleep and when she woke up a few hours later, she heard water running in the bathroom, realizing she was alone in the bed.

Only a few minutes passed when Bora get out of the bathroom, wearing only a tank top with her underwear and drying her hair with a towel. When she saw Siyeon was awake, she smiled at her shyly…

 “– Good morning, I hope I didn’t wake you up, I really needed to take a cold shower.”

“- ‘Morning, don’t worry, it’s time for me to get up anyway” replied Siyeon, now fully awake and trying to not stare at Bora’s legs.

“- Did you sleep well?”

“- Yeah, it took me a while to fall asleep but after I slept very well, and you?”

“- I…” For the first time since they met, Siyeon saw that Bora was flustered and seemed shy. The older girl continued “- I had a weird dream and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Seeing Bora’s reaction before talking about that dream, Siyeon wasn’t sure if she could ask about it, but she was too curious to know what could scramble the girl’s confidence.

“- Really? Can I ask what was that dream about?” Siyeon said with a detached ton.

“- You.” Bora replied directly, still not looking at the younger girl.

“– … Me?” Siyeon felt her face becoming so warm, she was probably red all the way to her ears.

“- Yes you, I just dreamed that we were in this bed here and I was hugging you and you were falling asleep in my arms… It was so peaceful and comfortable, and…” Bora hesitated “… And that’s it.”

She looked at the younger girl, who was now speechless, with a soft smile.

“- You’re really cute, mature and smart, I really want to help you feeling better because I know how it feels, I think that’s why I had this dream.”

“- Well, I don’t mind getting a comforting hug if I’m feeling sad.” Siyeon replied playfully.

“- Ah, we’ll see if you deserve it!” Bora laughed.

The two girls continued to chat while getting ready, but Siyeon’s cheeks never totally returned to their original color, and she couldn’t stop thinking about Bora’s dream, and the fact that, maybe, she wanted more than a hug from her.


	6. Chapter 6

Their trip was coming to an end and they were now on their way back to the capital, where they would spend two days and two nights before flying back home.

Siyeon and Bora were sitting next to each other on the car, they talked for a while until the atmosphere got calmer, and Siyeon could feel the soft rocking of the car making her fall asleep. She could feel her muscles relax and her body leaning closer to Bora’s, her head slowly falling on her shoulder.

This was a weird sensation, she realized she was falling but she didn’t want to stop herself because feeling Bora’s warmth surrounding her once again was comfortable. Her neck was probably going to be painful if she stayed like this, but being able to be close to the older girl, breathing her sweet perfume, was priceless.

She could fell that small girl was doing her best to straighten her back to prevent Siyeon’s head to fall too low and keep her in a comfortable position.  She even put her hand on the younger girl’s forehead when the car was moving too much, her touch was soft and gentle. That gesture was simple but seeing the older girl care for her warmed Siyeon’s heart and she could feel a wave of happiness growing in her chest.

Bora was always so caring and supportive, Siyeon couldn’t believe how lucky she was to have met her.

Siyeon woke up properly after a few minutes of dozing off, the position being too uncomfortable. She raised her head and smile at Bora while apologizing for falling like this on her:

“- Don’t worry, it’s okay!” Bora said out loud. But then, she leaned into Siyeon’s ear and whispered “You were actually really cute.”, her hot breath caressing Siyeon’s ear.

The sudden proximity surprised Siyeon, the younger girl was shocked she silently turned her head to look at Bora and found her gaze: the older girl was smiling softly, but her eyes were piercing, talking without words, telling Siyeon how cute she really was.

This was something Siyeon loved about Bora: she was soulful and it was breathtaking. If you pay attention to the details of her feature, you could easily read the girl’s emotions. It was genuine and beautiful, especially for someone like Siyeon who was always hiding her feelings, hiding behind a mask. A mask that she couldn’t hold with the older girl who was seeing right through it with her vivid eyes.

There was only on hour left before arriving to their destination, but that hour seemed like eternity for Siyeon. She couldn’t help but focus on Bora’s leg touching hers, giving her the impression that the fabric of her pants was thin paper, imagining the sensation of the girl’s skin against hers while remembering that look Bora just gave her, her shiny chestnut eyes screaming to Siyeon “You were really cute”.

She tried to stop focusing on their legs, obviously it wasn’t a big deal, they were sitting next to each other in a car, of course their legs were close to each other. Siyeon needed to stop panicking about those little things, but it wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

When she finally stopped thinking about it, and was focusing on the landscape that was passing before her eyes, she suddenly felt a hand on her lap, and Bora got closer to show something out of the window:

“-Look, the sun is setting and I think we’re going to witness a beautiful sunset!” The older girl sound excited, her reaction was really endearing, Siyeon thought.

“- Ah, yes! I love sunsets.” She replied, turning her head to watch the sun setting down, the colors of the sky were slowly changing, the bright blue was becoming deeper and shades of orange were now surrounding the skyline. Watching the day fade and the ambience shift quietly helped Siyeon to settle down and focus on her feelings.

Siyeon couldn’t deny it anymore, she definitely had a crush on the older girl. It would have been impossible to not fall for Bora, she was everything Siyeon needed even when she didn’t know it. The missing piece of the puzzle that was giving her headaches for several years now.

In only two weeks, she had learned so much about herself and about the older girl, discovering a whole new world without being scared, learning how to open her heart and listen to her true feelings. All of this, thanks to Bora once again. Siyeon will forever be thankful for this.

They arrived at their last hotel, Siyeon took her luggage and lead the way inside. The building was beautiful, the hall was huge, with a shining chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The furnitures were all made of carved wood, giving Siyeon the impression she just entered a castle.

“- Wow, this trip ends on a beautiful note! I hope the bedrooms got that romantic vibe too.” Bora said, joining Siyeon’s sides.

“- Why do you want a romantic vibe?” Siyeon was finally getting confident and decided to tease Bora.

“- I just like this kind of atmosphere!” Bora replied quickly.

“- Bora, I thought you were a playgirl but no, you still have some romance left in your heart.”

“- EH!” Bora took her offended look but Siyeon saw she was holding back her smile “How dare you say that to your unnie!”

“- Only the truth hurts, _Unnie._ ” Siyeon laughed and hurried to the elevator, her dad had just given her the keys and they were now all going to their respecting rooms.

The girls settled down inside the room, finally able to rest for a while and freshen up. The trip on the car was long and hot, a shower was definitely necessary.

After finishing her shower, Siyeon went back in the bedroom and told Bora the bathroom was free. She sat down on the bed and started to feel a little anxious… She was surprised by that sudden emotion but not totally bothered as it was the kind of anxiety that you feel before having something important to say. She brushed it off and focus her attention back to Bora.

And then she understood: Siyeon has always been really sensitive to others people’s emotions, and right now, Bora was the one acting weird, obviously bothered by something.

“- Are you okay?” Siyeon asked softly

Bora hesitated, taking her time to answer, probably trying to find the right words

“- I’m okay. I’m just sad this trip is almost over.”

“- Ah… Yes two weeks is not enough to visit a country!”

“- To visit a country, and to enjoy someone’s presence… We met two weeks ago, but I feel like we’ve known each other for years! I… want to stay close to you…” Bora said, her cheeks were now slightly blushed, but when she looked at Siyeon, her eyes were sincere and determined.

Siyeon felt her face getting warmer, she didn’t expect this but she had the same feeling:

“- Me too. I really hope we can stay close after we go back home. We don’t live so far from each other, I think we can meet often.”

Bora didn’t reply yet, and that’s when Siyeon understood the older girl hadn’t voiced her true feelings yet:

“- Siyeon, do you remember that dream I had the other night?”

“- I remember…”

“- Well, I lied to you…” Bora was looking at her legs, and the whole room was now filled with tension, the air was heavy and Siyeon had stopped breathing a few minutes ago already.

“- I wasn’t just hugging you in that dream, I kissed you…” Bora raised her head finding Siyeon’s eyes, her gaze more tenacious than ever:

“- And I would like to kiss you for real… That’s what I meant when I say I want to stay close to you…”

Siyeon’s mind went blank, it’s obviously what she wanted too, but her fears of screwing everything up and make mistakes came back instantly, freezing the younger girl in her position, unable to even say a word.

Thankfully, Bora knew her situation and could once again reassured Siyeon:

“- Siyeon don’t worry I’m not pressuring you into anything, I’ll give you some time to think about what I just said, you can reply to me whenever you’re ready. This goes for everything we do together, I’ll always listen to you and respect you, I’m here to support you, not to force you or pressure you. So take your time, whatever your reply is, I’ll always be here for you.”

And with those words, she stood up and went to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a little difficult to finish this chapter... I'll let it like this for now because it seems that I can't do better ... Anyway we're definitely getting closer to the end!


	7. Chapter 7

They were having dinner. It was hard to focus. What could she do? What did she wanted to do? She had spent all day wishing for this to happen but now she was feeling scared again. She hated herself for that and tried to be calmer and reasonable.

Siyeon didn’t even realize they had finished eating when she saw Bora standing up.

“- I’m going back to our room, I’m really tired.” Bora excused herself and added “- Siyeon, are you coming too? You seem exhausted.”

“- You’re right, I’ll come with you.” replied Siyeon, following Bora back to their room.

Once they were inside, Bora talked again “- Siyeon… you’re not tired, but worried, right? I’m sorry I’m making you feel this way…”

“- I’m not worried, I’m struggling with my own fear…” Siyeon surprised herself to be able to talk about her feelings so easily. “- I… feel the same way, I want to be closer to you, but I’m scared to… I don’t even know, I’m just feeling anxious.” She finally admitted.

“- I have an idea.” Bora said with a small smile and Siyeon wasn’t so sure she could trust that idea. “- Let’s just lie down in bed and hug, nothing less nothing more, and you try to relax, alright?”

“- Okay…” Siyeon sighed and got ready to go to bed.

Siyeon had imagined this moment several times already, but in her fantasies, her heart was beating slower than now. If it kept going at this rhythm, it was probably going to stop.

Bora was lying on her back, holding the younger girl in her arms, who had her head resting on her shoulder. The older girl was actually smaller than Siyeon, but it didn’t stopped her to hold the girl firmly in her arms, showing that her tiny body was strong and protective, slowly giving Siyeon a feeling of safety.

“- Siyeon… I can feel your heart beats! Are you okay?”

“- I’m okay, this is really comfortable but my emotions aren’t following what’s happening…”

“- Close your eyes and breathe deeply.” Bora whispered “- I’m not going anywhere and I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do, we’re going at your rhythm, okay?”

Siyeon took a deep breathe, and understood what was bothering her:

“- It’s just… why me? You told me so many stories about some amazing girls you met so… why me? I’m just an anxious mess, how is it possible to even have feelings for me?”

“- You’re right, now that I think about it…”

“- Eh!” Siyeon started to protest and tried to stand up but Bora tightened her embrace:

“- I’m joking Si’! Don’t move!” Bora laughed “- Ok…” her expression changed strictly and Siyeon understood she was going to explain her real reasons: “- I realize now that in all my previous experiences, the relationship wasn’t healthy, or it was just for sex. Which isn’t a problem, but they weren’t people I could fell in love with either. I’ve never met someone so down to earth like you, and so aware of theirs and others’ feelings. So yes, maybe you’re anxious and not confident now, but I can see how pure and beautiful your heart is. You’re truly kind and that’s why you’re so sensitive and scared now… But once you learn how to be more confident, how you can be yourself without caring about others’ opinion, then, you will be even more perfect.”

Siyeon stayed silent for a while, digesting those words. No one ever talked to her like that, and it actually felt good to be praised. Bora’s words were so honest, she couldn’t even contradict her and was starting to feel better about herself.

“- I didn’t see myself this way, I always thought I was just a weird person…”

“- You’re not weird Siyeon, you’re different, you’re special.” Bora said and softly put a kiss on Siyeon’s forehead, her hand caressing her hair.

“- I was confused a few days ago when I started to have those feelings, when I realized that I wanted to be closer to you… I was wondering if it was just admiration because you helped me so much understanding myself. But no, it’s definitely more than this, you’re such an amazing person too, you’re gorgeous and energetic, it’s so endearing.” Siyeon said, hiding her face in Bora’s neck, feeling too shy to look at her.

Bora didn’t say anything and kissed the younger girl’s head once again.

Siyeon was finally relaxing and suddenly  she felt a wave of confidence growing in her chest, pushed by the need to discover what Bora’s skin tasted like. She slowly raised her head, softly brushing the skin of the older girl’s neck with her lips, and finally planted a kiss under her jawline. Bora didn’t move but Siyeon could feel she was suddenly more tense.

Siyeon continued her way up, now kissing her jawline, kissing her cheek, kissing her chin. Finally, she reached her mouth. She stopped one second, feeling Bora’s warm breath on her own lips before finally closing the gap between them. The kiss was soft, their lips moving slowly and shyly, but at the same time, their lips were burning with emotions.

They finally broke the kiss and Siyeon realized that Bora still had her eyes closed. Yet, she was the first to say something:

“- Well for someone who is ‘shy and unexperienced’ as you said, you’re pretty good, honestly I’ve never felt so much emotions through a first kiss.” She said, her cheeks tainted with a light pink. She opened her eyes again to find Siyeon staring right into her eyes. “Eh you’re going to kill me with that look!” Bora said acting scared.

Siyeon laugh loudly and fell back into Bora’s arm, hugging her tightly, unable to stop smiling. She was finally able to relax, and had never felt so good about herself.

The two girls stayed like this until late in the night, chatting as usual, but tonight their talks were sometimes stopped by kisses. Siyeon saw her confidence raise quickly and was now biting Bora’s lips and tongue softly, being playful and teasing the older girl. Bora add to control herself to remain calm and not go too far. Siyeon was still the one leading the game tonight, and she would never break her promise to wait for the younger girl to be ready.

They finally fell asleep in each other’s arms, their heartbeats now synchronized, probably meeting once more in their dreams, unable to stay away from each other’s mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooookay just a little epilogue to conclude and that story will be finish for good!   
> Once again I'm not totally satisfied, but I'm doing my best to progress!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EPILOGUE

Siyeon was running, running as fast she could, running like her life depended on it, one step after another, giving all her strength to reach her goal. Finally, the bus stopped and she could hop in, totally out of breath but satisfied, she didn’t want to arrive late at her date with Bora, especially this one, celebrating their one-year anniversary!

After their trip, now more than a year ago, they had decided to take things slow, to meet again as often as they could and see how their relationship was going to evolve. As expected, the chemistry they had build during the trip didn’t ware off, it became even stronger, to the point where they couldn’t deny it any longer, the crush they had develop for each other back then was more than this, they couldn’t deny that they were in love with each other.

One year ago, exactly, they were hanging out at Bora’s place, watching a movie while cuddling. When the movie ended, Bora tightened her embrace instead of standing to stop the TV. Siyeon didn’t complain, she also wanted to stay like that as long as possible… She turned her head to face Bora, she wanted to have that serious but scary talk about her feelings. She breathed deeply and was about to talk when Bora suddenly asked loudly “SiyeonwillyoubemygirlfriendILOVEYOUIcan’tholditbackanymore”. Siyeon laughed, she didn’t catch everything the older girl said but she understood the most important: she didn’t have to worry because her feelings were reciprocated. They had sealed the officialization of their relationship with a soft but emotional kiss, followed by many more and a night short of sleep but full of discovering each other’s bodies.

During this year, Siyeon improved a lot. She felt better, her anxiety decreased a lot and she was feeling more confident. Thanks to Bora, she learnt a lot about relationship, healthy relationship. it wasn’t easy everyday but they were doing their best to support each other through everything, always remembering that communication was the most important, they never hide anything from each other and it seems that they were getting closer and closer every day.

Siyeon reached her destination, her mind full of the precious memories she shared with the older girl. The door of the apartment opened, revealing a smiling Bora. Siyeon knew that she would never be tired of this smile and when she entered the passed the door, she hugged her girlfriend and whispered in her ear “I love you, happy one-year anniversary”.  

She found her own happiness, and today, nothing was going to unsettled this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF I'm sorry I can't believe it took me so long to wrote this bad epilogue but ending this fic was more complicated than expected.... I just wanted to finish it to stop thinking about this, I'll probably work on this again later, in a few months.   
> I'm still happy about this fic, my 1st fic! I'll keep on writing and hopefully I can improve, I'm still lacking a lot :( 
> 
> Thank you so so much for reading and for the feedbacks!!


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